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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up