*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*