If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I am having an out of money experience.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I am yelling
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.