my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.