“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.