My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.