When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.