Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Name this drama.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.