*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh