Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes