[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
You Might Also Like
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists