New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
i love meeting boys on tinder
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN