I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me