Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
You Might Also Like
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me in tagged photos
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?