Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on