birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Sex so good you see dead people.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?