My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.