I was up all night reading about insomnia
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]