If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar