‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about