If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
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I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Terribly Tuesday.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring