Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it