Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sharon I have some bad news
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”