Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath