Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The French word for sex is croissant.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
that de-escalated quickly
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.