Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”