I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.