[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Easy enough.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it