Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
An odd boast
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
😂😂
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying