My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”