Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Big Sex has us all fooled
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Sharon, call the vet
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.