The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
the composer
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days