Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Anyone really
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together