the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Breaking news:
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]