waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
finally
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.