“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.