“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls