Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.