me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Whoa 😂
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club