SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
You Might Also Like
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.