Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.