Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team