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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.