Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Not my job 😂
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
This is painfully accurate 😅
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.