Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
superman landing like a plane on his belly
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing