My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
it’s the silliest best thing
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House