I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”