Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
You Might Also Like
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
is it earth
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Facebook Twitter
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
That’s amazing.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My blood type is coffee.