I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
You Might Also Like
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Owl Sanctuary