If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.